(by Massimiliano D'Elia) The environment of uniformed personnel is not limited to the workplace but extends to the home. Being a wife, or husband of a soldier, a policeman is not an easy situation, especially in the presence of children in childhood and adolescence. So many stories that "in private" security and defense operators tell about the hardships they face in having to explain to their children the imminent transfer to another location, or having to communicate the next employment in peace or war operations abroad.
The most frequently asked questions of the little ones: when are you coming back? It's dangerous? I'll miss you. Most of the time one is unprepared. What to answer to your children, or how to explain that wearing a uniform means being part of an institution that must guarantee the security and defense of the nation?
An absolute duty, often, difficult to explain even to one's partner, spouse. Even more complicated to get your children to metabolize. Having your parent away from home for a long time is destabilizing because it reflects and conditions the life of each family member. Beyond the affective aspect, now consolidated habits and models must change.
Even if on a cultural level we are probably not yet willing to share our emotions and difficulties with an entity outside the home, setting up a service to support the little ones, children of men and women in uniform would not be a bad idea, even in light the considerable increase in divorces in the families of uniformed staff.
The aforementioned social criticality is widely dealt with in Anglo-Saxon countries.
The Royal British Air Force (RAF) has even published un HANDBOOK to deal with the problem.
HANDBOOK
LINK Help for Parents & Children during deployment
IThe introductory text on the American website https://www.militaryonesource.mil/.
As parents, we want to be good models for our children. When the news of a deployment arrives, you must be able to prove to your children that what you do is to defend your family.
Your children will look at you with a different perspective. Prepare yourself for questions and emotions that your children might have.
The suggestions
Talk to other parents who have already lined up to get an idea of the questions children are asking, how to answer and how much to share.
Think of the best ways to explain military deployment to your children, taking into account their age, personalities and how they respond to surprises.
Consider contacting your military and family support center, a military or family counselor or chaplain; contact Military OneSource 800-342-9647.
Notify schools, teachers and coaches of the change your child is undergoing.
Prepare your children
Remember, children may not understand why a parent is leaving and may be afraid of change.
When you talk with your children:
- Talk to them in a way that they will understand "unfolding" and why your work is taking you away;
- Let your children ask questions and answer questions as simply and honestly as possible;
- Reassure your children that things will remain as normal as possible at home. Be positive and upbeat and make sure you love them a lot. Spend dedicated time for each individual child before leaving.
Plan how you will keep in touch with them while you are deployed and how they can stay in touch with you. Alerts that sometimes may not hear you for a few days.
Also discuss potential changes in household habits, the importance of listening to parents at home, and that house rules remain the same.
Present them to Military Kids Connect, an online community for military children (ages 6-17) that provides access to age-appropriate resources to support them in coping with deployment and other aspects of military life.
At any time, you can contact Military OneSource for help. Special programs are offered to help you and your family, including life counseling services for children and young people as well as family life counseling programs.
Ask school-age children to help you pack, and make sure they have a chance to say hello, but take care to have short farewells.
Expect your children to have different reactions to the news. They can be moody, irritable. Remember, this is normal. In this regard, your task is to remain positive and be a model.
Babies are babies and with a parent gone, you can expect your kids to test the limits. As a parent you must provide as many backups as possible to your partner, even if you are on the other side of the world.
If you are deployed, keep as much regular contact as possible. Let your family know that even if there are times when you can't be in touch, you think about them every day. Send letters or e-mails and, if you have more than one child, send a personalized communication for each one.
For the spouse who stays at home, the usual program must be followed as much as possible. Take time to help the children talk about what they hear about the news or from other children.
Then there is the problem of the return of a parent deployed abroad
The returning parent can help make returning home easier for the family by staying close to home in the days and weeks following home. If you are the parent who has stayed at home, do not leave all the homework and responsibilities to your returning partner. Allow some space and over time intensify the involvement of the parent who returns with meals, with the bedtime ritual, play and discipline.
Don't be scared if your kids need some time alone. Remember, even adults need it.